Never the same

Today is a hard day for a normal existence.
I find myself struggling with the simplest of tasks. I keep switching from this deep down sad, devastated feeling to complete numbness. My brain switches on and off without a moments warning. I can recall the great memories we had both with happiness and appreciation....but also with complete and total devastation. Losing a friend is not easy. The emotions and the hurt that someone goes through when a friend is lost cannot be laid out in words. Everyone says this, that words cannot describe specific emotions, but it takes a first hand experience for someone to really understand the truth in that statement. I feel like my 20 years of existence has been peppered, no more like doused, with these devastation invoking events. This is not the first friend I've lost but I must say it is the closest. There isn't a negative thing to say about him. I keep thinking about the time I was lucky to have spent with him and I remember only pure happiness.

Zach was an authentic person. Completely and totally authentic. The only thing he was guilty of faking was the actual amount of pain he was in. He put on a happy face for his loved ones so as not to burden them the pain he whole heartedly felt. For he must have been in unmentionable amounts of pain and hurt to want to put it to a stop. Many people say taking one's own life is selfish - this is not true. It is an act of total and complete desperation to end the pain and suffering inside ones own head. I have been down that path and know how much the world and its events can hurt. A hurt you feel so deep down inside you that there is no way to get it out, no means of expression.

You can try to tell others you are suffering and you can try to seek help but this is the kind of pain that no one can understand, that no one can take away. I don't know what the cause of it is and I don't know why it hurts so bad but I understand it. I understand the pain. And I hate it. I hate what is does to myself and people like me. I hate what it did to Zach. I hate it with my entire existence because i feel it is something that will never go away. I feel like it can only burrow down deeper inside me and become easier to hide but it will never ever leave me at peace. I've realized this for a few years now. This kind of hurt, this kind of suffering will always be with me and it makes me sick. It sickens me because I can't make it go away. I feel as though I am broken and will never be capable of being fixed. I have to live with this hurt inside me for the rest of my life. And I have accepted this. Barely.

I understand why Zach wanted to end his suffering - I have wanted to end it before but my support group has always pushed the pain back into the deep depths of wherever it lives. They have given me the light that forces the pain back into its burrow and I love them with all my heart for that.  I wish I knew Zach better than I do because what I did know of him i enjoyed 100%. He had patience, respect, and the greatest smirk anyone could ever possess. His laugh was pure and his intentions always authentic. I miss him and the idea of ever seeing him again. I wish we could brew beer again - spilling half the brew on the brew room floor and all. I wish we could go caving again - possibly skipping the whole me falling and splitting my head open incident. I wish we could lose an entire deck of cards while walking down Gosney Lane in the middle of the night. I wish we could make fun of his nasty smelling Thai food in a box meal, and his stubbornness to sleep on the cement ground in our dorm despite us having an air mattress.

Most of all I miss the idea of him still being in Bend. I miss the possibility that we could all one day reunite and make more memories. I regret having so few memories with him, but I will always cherish the ones i do have. The devil himself couldn't take these memories from me.

We love you Zach and you will be most desperately missed by many many people. I'm glad you are free and have finally gotten rid of your pain. I hope with all my heart that your new life is hurt free.

You are loved and you are missed, but only for the most selfish of reasons - being that I wish I had more time to know you. The world, my world, will never be the same without you. Thank you for making an appearance in my life. Thank you for being you.

Much love,
Carlie