Success Defined

I am on my own. Grown up. Self-sufficient. Independent. I do not rely on other people. I pay my own bills. Do my own chores. Make my own decisions. Decisions about when to sleep, what to eat, where to shop, how to dress, and who to associate with. I have complete independence. I am wholly self-sufficient. I am what I once could only imagine becoming. I am an adult. 

Is it age that determines adulthood? Maturity? Responsibilities? Independence? 

At 17 years old I participated in the modern american tradition of moving out of my parent’s house to begin my college career. Career? Spending thousands of dollars learning excessive amounts of necessary and unnecessary skills - that, when used together, are the definition of ‘knowledge’ - is considered a career? Backtrack. 

From age 4 onward people are exposed to the all-benevolent American Dream. Starting with pre-preschool there are daycares teaching children the ABC’s, shapes, sizes, colors. All skills that, when used together, are classified as basic knowledge. Moving forward to kindergarten children learn math, reading, writing. Again - all skills that add to the basket of knowledge. Elementary through high school kids are repeatedly exposed to the importance of success, achievement, and higher education. Higher education? How high? Post high school is where the road splits. To college or not to college? After a life of exposure to the ideal that college leads to success and anything less proves a person incompetent, one must choose.

So off to college I went. Unprepared.

 At 17 years old, fresh out of high school and still unsure of who or what kind of person I was, I jumped into the world of higher education. I had no money. No visions of the future. And certainly no concept of the world and how I fit into it. The phrase ‘going through the motions’ has never applied more to a situation. Going through the motions. That is exactly what I did. For nearly two years I allowed myself to be deafened by everyone else’s idea of success. Success? What ever happened to happiness? Fulfillment? Why is happiness linked to success? And why is success linked to higher education? 

I had no college fund, no money saved, and no means to acquire the money needed for my higher education. My parents struggled, and continue to struggle, with maintaining the ability to provide the fundamental necessities needed for survival. Food, water, shelter, electricity,  clothing. My parents could hardly afford paying their mortgage and keeping food in the fridge. It was never a surprise if the electricity or water services got shut off any given month due to non-payment. What caused my 17 year old self to believe that college was the logical necessity? How was I convinced to take this path? What could I have possible been thinking when I chose to spend thousands of dollars that I did not have? Higher education = success. Success = happiness. That is exactly how I was convinced college was the path to take. 

College. Every class, every test, every question answered incorrectly, and every dollar spent on school increased my monetary anxiety. Emotionally overwhelming. Each new term promised an emotional breakdown as I used every financial resource available to pay tuition, only to come up hundreds of dollars short. Every loan rejection, every overdraft fee, and every ‘FINAL NOTICE’ from the school’s finance office ate away at my psychy. Dedication fled first. Then motivation. And lastly my strive for success. It is impossible to crave the success that higher education promises if the promise itself is digging your grave. 

Quitting. The decision to set my education on the back burner implied incompetence. Failure. I was a failure. I was incompetent and unmotivated. A wash out. Others may not have seen me as a wash out but that is how I viewed myself. I attempted the trail and fell in a ditch. A cold, muddy, smelly ditch of inadequacy. 

Trial and error. Work and school. Just work. Work and school. Just work. I experimented with balancing work AND school. Hard skill to master. My unstable financial situation zapped all confidence. Work. Pay Bills. Work. Pay Bills. And repeat. I was able to provide for myself the fundamental necessities of life by living paycheck to paycheck, alternating which bills to pay based on the FINAL SHUT OFF notices I received each month. They kept telling me I would be a stronger person coming out of my situation. They kept saying it was worth it. They kept saying to keep my head up. They never lived my situation. They had no idea the stresses put on me. The emotional strength it took not to give up and call it quits forever. There were tears, frustration, and lots of resentment. I took it all trying my best not to crack completely. Yes, you’re right I’ll be stronger. Yes, you’re right it’s worth it. Yes, you’re right, I’ll keep my head up. Going through the motions. Pressure from everyone to finish school so I could become successful. 

Successful? Finish school so I can become successful? Because paying for two and a half years of college with little help isn’t successful. Because living completely on my own at 18 years old isn’t successful. Because working full-time isn’t successful. Because paying all my bills AND helping my parents pay THEIR bills isn’t successful. 

No - I have to finish school before I can become successful. Before I can say I’ve ever achieved anything in my life I have to finish earning my higher education. Before I can say I’ve ever achieved anything in my life I have to learn all the necessary and unnecessary skills they teach, take that information and cram it into the basket of knowledge filled with what they believe to be the fundamental necessities for success.

It is decided. I do not care about success. This is my life. I am will start living it. I will go where I want to go. Achieve what I want to achieve. This path is my path and no one else can walk it.

Happiness. Fulfillment. My two goals. My success. 

I am on my own. Grown up. Self-sufficient. Independent. I do not rely on other people. I pay my own bills. Do my own chores. Make my own decisions. Decisions about when to sleep, what to eat, where to shop, how to dress, and who to associate with. I have complete independence. I am wholly self-sufficient. I am what I once could only imagine becoming. I am an adult. And I am successful.